Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kiyyik's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 26th, 2009
11:29 pm	By the way... Here's the Eulogy I wrote for her.  I didn't get to deliver it, like I said, but I gave a copy to her mom.  And it seems right that I should put it up here, where anyone can see it and know what kind of person she was and what she meant to me... ----- Where do you start with a Eulogy?  How can you possibly begin?  Do you talk about your first memories of the deceased?  Their last moments?  Do you lead in with a short biography, a testament to the kind of person that they were?  How, in fact, do you begin?  There is so much to say, and you want to say it all at once.  It’s overwhelming. But where do you start with Kassie?  I could stand here and rattle off a list of accomplishments: gulf war veteran, professional chef, confidante, friend, and lover.  Someone who in one lifetime combined a hundred adventures, who had seen and done things that amazed me when she talked of them.  Everything I always secretly wished to do but couldn’t because I was too weak, too tame, too safe.  She did it all, and for five and a half years I stood by her side in awe.  She was my hero. Not that she ever believed me when I told her that, of course.  She insisted she was nothing special, not much to speak of.  I never know someone to sell themselves short like she would.  I used to wish she could, just once, see herself as the people around her did.  I’d point out how far she’d come, point to the hundreds of friends she had, people who would come running if ever she so much as asked.  I told her, you don’t get these kinds of people around you by being nothing special. But that was her gift.  People liked her.  She had a natural, easy charisma about her that put you at your ease right away.  There was just something about her…she clicked with people; you only had to meet her once and you knew she was all right.  For years I watched her do it, trying to figure out the secret.  But there was no secret, it was just her. This is the kind of person that Kassie was: even in the hospital, body swollen, tubes everywhere, unable even to sit up without help, she went out of her way to be nice to the nurses who attended her.  If one of them seemed out of sorts, she’d zero in on them, find out what was wrong and cheer them up, every time.  She couldn’t abide other people’s unhappiness; she just wouldn’t stand for it.  She had been through things that could render anyone eternally bitter and angry if they let them, but after all that she had been through, she still loved nothing better than going out into the world and helping people.  She even wanted to go back to school, to study and become a licensed therapist, so she could make a living out of guiding people out of the darkness she’d known herself.  She was, as someone once said, a person out for all that she could give. I remember, it was on Tuesday, when I picked up the ashes.  They had her at the funeral home, a little white box with her name on it, resting on a table.  I took it home, looked at it a while and thought, is that it?  This person I loved, this amazing spirit, reduced to a sackful of ashes?  That can’t be right.  She was too vivacious, too larger-than-life, too alive.  Her life was an adventure, one amazing story after another; some of them, I was privileged to be in myself, and I treasure their memories.  But for her story to end, in this place and time, skin and bones in a small town on the outskirts of nowhere, fallen prey to a poison that devoured her body bit by bit until by the end there was hardly any left?  It wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t right.  It wasn’t enough.  Everywhere I went that day, I wanted to stop people, tell them: “Don’t you know?  Don’t you realize this wonderful person was here, and now they’re gone?  How can you possibly carry on as if the world hasn’t ended?  How can you not mourn?” I once heard it said that a person is not truly dead until the ripples they made in the world fade away.  If that is truly so, then Kassie will be with us for a very long time.  So let this be her memorial: that the things she built may last for ages, that the people she helped along the way turn their hands to help others.  And that those of us who had the great good fortune to have her in our life always remember to carry her with us in our hearts.  And that from time to time we may stop, recollect, and smile, basking in the warm memories of a life that touched us all. ----- Amen.  And amen. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
11:03 pm	Home (The Scenic Route) Took my way home today.  Wandered down to the hotel office for their continental rbeakfast.  While there, another guest struck up a conversation with the desk cleark; seems he was here to get married.  In fact, lots of people get married in Eureka Springs.  It's kind of a major industry there: there's the marriage biz, the art biz, and the jeezus biz; three entirely different sectors of society coexisting side by side in the same town.  Oh, and there's the fact it's a major biker destination.  Crazy cool place.  Anyway, after he left, I talked to the clerk about Kassie and stuff; she had lsot a brother at age 35 to something called Cushing's disease, whish is apprantly pretty nasty.  We had a nice talk about life an then she had to help some customers.  I went up, packed my bag, and hit the road. Now, thing about Kassie was, she knew her way all around the backroads of Northern Arkansas, so I always left the navigation to her when we were down that way.  In this case, however, I was more or less on my own.  I had the GPS unit up and running, and it took me down some state highways and off into country roads, and then...off the pavement.  I resisted at first, but when I passed one and my distance to Branson jumped from 20-something to 40-something miles, I relented, and hit the dirt. Crawling along on country roads is no fun, it's a real denture-rattling experience.  Of course, there's hardly anyone around if something goes wrong, so you had better hope nothing does.   Also better hope you don't meet someone coming the other way, cos they're usually one lane and nowhere to pull over.  I only pulled over once, in fact, when crossing a little bridge over a stream.  I pulled over for a while, took some beautiful pictures.  THen back on the road.  It was maybe only ten miles before I got back to pavement, but it felt like ages.  I tell you, if it hadn't been for GPS and public radio, I wouldn'tve made it through this weekend intact. Then on to Branson.  Just a waypoint on the journey north, but I'd wanted to check out a bookstore up there on my way.  I remember the chain from my youth, when it was mostly a haven for remaindered books going cheap, but apparently they remodeled into a regular ol' bookstore inthe meantime.  Still, I didn't walk out empty handed.  Couple of art and science type books and the new edition of Make.  Then back on the road towards Springfield, but I hit another detour. Was driving along minding my own business when I saw this place by the side road with a bunch of old vending machines in front.  Well, I just love old machinery and retro stuff, so I found the nearest exit and managed to track the place down.  Got a lovely bunch of photographs there; they take vending machines and refrigerators and stuff and restore them beautifully. Makes you want to build a house just so you can decorate it with those fine old machines.  Awesome stuff.  I took a lot of pictures. OK, no more distractions....okay one more.  Lunch.  Got to Springfield, hit the burrito place, and then zipped home and got there right about 4 o'clock in the afternoon.  Doggie was glad to see me, cats were like "Oh, were you gone, then?"I settled in for a nice five hour nap. It's evening now, I'm having a light snack and watching a little TV.  Back to work in the morning; I think I'm ready to face it.  All the way down I would turn to Kassie's ashes and talk to them like it was her still in there.  All the way back I'd still do it, even without the ashes.  Dunno...intellectually I know she's not here, but part of me still wants to talk with her, keep her in the loop, make silly remarks, do all those things...I miss holding her hand most of all.  That's what we would do: she'd drive, hold the wheel with one hand and my hand with the other, just for miles and miles.  Sometimes over this weekend I would reach out for her and she wouldn't be there. You know, it's funny; when I resumed my jorunal, it was because I wanted to write down every experience I had with Kassie so that, if worst came to worst, I could go back and reread and relive them.  I figured, worst-case scenario, I'd only wind up with a couple of years of out life together, fighting the ups and downs, getting as much out of our limited life as we could, but it hit her so hard and so fast, that it turned into a document of her fading away fast and disappearing almost before I could blink.  And now it has become a memorial to her, the chronicle of my life without her.  I wish this hadn't been the case; there should have been more. Oh well.  Anyway, I'm glad I went down there, and everything, but I'm glad I'm home.  Ready for a regular week, if possible.  We will see. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 25th, 2009
11:15 pm	Delivering the Ashes Today was the day to take Kassie's ashes down to the family.  I woke up semi-early, the sleeping pills having been supplanted with the nearest public radio station's internet music stream.  I got up, started putting myself together and was out the door by 9:20.  I ran by Wal-Mart first, having copied off some pictures of Kassie (a couple of portraits I did of her, as well as two shots when she was part of an honor guard presenting a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier back in 2005 when our vet group met in DC).  Then off to the Farmer's Market in the square: there's a nice couple old ladies there that sill hot chilis and dog biscuits and herbs and other things that make life worth living, and we've become rather friends.  So I made it a point to let them know as well.  Then, it was time to hit the road. It's a long drive down--about 3 1/2 hours--but it was fairly uneventful.  I just kept tuned to whatever public radio station was around or, failing that, fired up the iPod.  Finally, a little before 2, I pulled in at the agreed meeting spot where Kassie's mom would take me the rest of the way.  I got out, freshened up, and made the call. Now,I should explain that I had come expecting a casual service, but a service nonetheless.  I had on my black slacks and white dress shirt, and black jacket that hung on ahook inthe back seat til I got to Huntsville.  By the time her mom got tothe station I hadthe jacket on, my makeup touched up, and was pretty much dressed nicely as I could.  Then we go to the homestead, and everyone--but EVERYONE--is in blue jeans and flip-flops.  Well, or sneakers.  There was food grilling, people laughing and talking, kids bouncing around on a trampoline....was I at the right place?  Did these people know this was a funeral?  And when I found out that some people had been, eaten and gone before I showed up wit hthe, er, "guest of honor"....oy.  Just oy. Well, it just turned out to be a get-together in her memory.  I suppose that was all right. Her mom said people came that she had no idea would come, that had no idea about me or how Kassie'd lived the last several years of her life.  That kind of made the eulogy I wrote a bit awkward, as it touched on a lot of that.  Not that I had a chance to deliver it anyway. Mind you, there was a couple of good bits.  Mostly those were when her mom and I would sneak away together outside and just have long talks.  She talked about when she lost her husband and what she went through and what she's going through now, and we exchanged reminiscences and sympathies.  She told me some stories from Kassie's childhood that I'd not heard before, and those made me smile.  She was a character from day one, she really was. Anyway, one by one, the various branches of the family filtered away until about five-ish when a big clump took off to the local park. It seemed one of the children had a birthday on Wednesday, and they had put it off because of this.  Kassie's mom said that Kassie wouldn'tve approved, that she would've told them to have the kid's party first, no sense and delaying a birthday like that.  And I agree.  That's what she would have said. Anyway, after that I called around, see who I could get in touch with.  Our friend Joanie just happened to be in Eureka Springs (which is where I wanted to go anyway) and told me to meet up with her at the gay bar where we always seem to wind up when we go down that way.  There was going to be a a birthday party for a friend there, but that would be later in the evening.  So I made my goodbyes, made sure Kassie's mom had the gifts I gave her (the photographs and a bandanna of Kassie's with some of her pride badges and the badges that she wore at the veteran's conventions) and her copy of the eulogy and headed out. I got halfway to the car before it occurred to me that I was leaving Kassie's ashes behind for the last time.  I supn around and went to her mom's car , where they were tucked away in the back seat.  I kissed my fingers, touched them to the window and whispered "Goodbye, Kassie...I love you."  Then back to my car, bawling all the way. Eureka Springs, hell of a town.  I got up tot he bar (Henri's) and rendezvoused with Joanie.  They were doing an "oriental style" chicken salad as a special that day, and she seemed to be enjoying it, so I got one of my own.  Damn good.  Beat the hell out of hamburgers with flies crawling over them like at the homestead.  We hung out, talked of Kassie and other things , and had a good time until people started to show up.  The party got going and got rowdy, everyone had been drinking, etc, and I wasn't in a party mood (not that I ever am, but at the moment I was really not in a party mood).  I thanked Joanie for her company, explained that it had been a long, beastly day, got directions to a nice cheap hotel and split. So here I am, settled in my room, reflecting on the day.  I'm glad I talked with her mom; she's gone through so much of the same things I'vm going through now, it was nice to have someone who knows what you mean.  Tomorrow, I head home.  Direct route maybe, or I might swing by Branson cos there's a bookstore I've been meaning to check out.  We'll see.  Anyway, gonna do lights out now; I've got music piping in over the 'net, it helps take away the silence, and right nwo that's a very good thing. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
11:40 pm	more errands Well, turns out that forgoing the sleeping pills was not such a hot idea after all.  I don't think I got more than a couple-three hours of sleep, and fitful at that.  Besides, I still had rather a lot on my list, so I called in and took the day off.  First order of business, I got a couple hours of sleep; not much but enough to give me energy to get through the day.  Second order, breakfast.  There was supposed to be a coffee place south of town that I wanted to check out.  A friend of mine suggested finding one so I'd have somewhere to go of an evening, which sounded good because I'm really not a bar person.  I drove back and forth up and down the road where it was supposed to be for a while until I found the place where it had been.  Already gone.  Figures.  If this were Springfield, I could go downtown and take my pick, but oh well. Went across the lake to the bistro and bakery I like.  Very nice, but they're not open after wok hours so that's out.  Still gotta think of a place to go; hanging around the house all night isn't getting any easier.  I could get away with it before because I wasn't alone, but spending too much time by yourself is not a good thing.  People help realign your emotional compass. Anyway, spent the rest of the day chasing back and forth, taking care of phone stuff and paying bills that Kassie had let slide, and every other thing.  I've got the list whittled down pretty good now, just a couple items that I need to wait until I get the death certificate.  I hope it's soon, as I want to get these things taken care of. Also a little annoying is that I can't find her phone.  It's got all her phone numbers and such on it, so I'm a bit at a loss at the moment.  GOnna have to tear up the house and find it.  Also maybe dig up a call list from our carrier, or sewe if she every synced up the palmpilot I gave her which she only used for playing this one game...well, we'll see. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
11:35 pm	Picking up the pieces Took a half-day today.  Came in for the morning to get some stuff done and also so I would have a good reason to get up in the morning.  Mom mentioned that when stepdad died, sometimes work was the only thing that got her out of bed.  I can understand that.  I spent some time working on a prototype for a website rebuild we're doing, and then took the afternoon off to run errands. The first thing was lunch.  I've noticed something lately, when I go somewhere that Kassie and I used to go a lot, it feels kind of weird going in there the first time without her.  Now, I've been in that restaurant before without her, but usually just running in to get something to go.  For two.  Sitting down and eating by myself was a weird experience, and not a pleasant one.   After that, I called the funeral home.  Kassie was ready, I just had to come pick her up before 3 cos they had a service coming in.  I got there, and they had her ready on a table: a little white cardboard box, a tiny brass urn about the size of a salt-shaker, and a little velvet bag.  The bag was for her ring, which I had left on her body at the hospital because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to take it or not.  The mini-urn was for me; Kassie's mom had said that I could have a little bit of her.  The box containing the rest of the ashes was surprisingly heavy, although when you think about the weight of the human body probably not.  I know I read or heard somewhere once that they dodn't give you all the ashes, just a "subset" for you to keep.  I suppose that may well be the case. Anyway, once I got her, I trucked her back home before I carried on with the rest of the chores.  I remember just kind of talking to her on the way home, telling her about the funeral and stuff.  When I got home, I put the mini-urn on a shelf with some other precious items in the living room, and snuck a peek in the box. It was fairly basic: a cardboard box with a plastic box with a plastic bag full of ashes.  I remember just sitting and staring at it for a few minutes, trying to reconcile this bag of grey powder with the woman I loved; it just didn't compute.  Funny thing, I started thinking about her tattoos (she had done tattoos for her friends when she was young, and had a few herself): an "Ozzy" tattoo on her left upper arm with a crown and ornate decoration and everything, a "12" on her shoulder from the little bunch she ran around with in school (see previous journal entry), and a cute red heart with a "K" on the inside left ankle: she had gotten it for her ex-wife, whose name also started with K.  Then they divorced, and Kassie, who was just beginning her journey, decided it stood for herself.  Then we got together, and it started standing for my name.  It was a K with a lot of hsitory behind it.  It's hard to think of it as just ash now. I almost wish there was a way we could have kept it, or I could have at least taken a photo of it or something.  I'm no fan of tattoos but the thought of it being gone like that rather hurts. The rest of the day was spent making phone calls and running errands, trying to get everything squared away.  In the confusion we seem to have lost Kassie's cell phone; I need to find it, and get ahold of her numbers.  Other than that, it looks like I'm gonna have to wait until the death certificate is ready to finish up the main stuff, like the bank.  The Funeral director said they notify Social Security and so on, but I may call them myself anyway just in case. Spent another night without her, sitting in the bedroom watching movies and such.  The animals spend most of their time in the room with me now: it's nice to have their company.  Frotz hangs by close, but he's been with me since the beginning.  Gracie just does her own thing as always.  Uzume watches me like a hawk.  I can't go to the bathroom without her following along and plomping down  in front of me.  I guess it's nice to be loved.  I'm going to try to sleep tonight without the sleeping pills, see if I'm ready for that yet. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 20th, 2009
11:01 pm	Back to work Went in to work today. Thought I'd have just a nice day of distracting myself.  Let the boss know what was up. A little bit later the HR lady came back and checked on me, let me know I could take time off--the whole week, if needed.  She told me not to worry about vacation days, etc.  I kind of wish she hadn't done that openly as I hadn't told everyone else yet, but the word got around.  Especially when she emailed me when was the service and where to send flowers, and I told her the service was just going to be a little family potluck thing, and in lieu of flowers we were asking for donations to the American Cancer Society (well, I hadn't discussed that with he mom but it seemed like a good idea).  Anyway, she (HR lady) forwarded this to everyone, and I spent the rest of the day getting replies from people letting me know their condolances, and even some poeple mentioned they'd make donations in her name.  So that was nice. Doing prototyping on a redesign of a website right now.  There are some nice tools for it that we just got, and I'm putting together a "sketch" of it, detailing the functionality and flow so we can play with it and get that all hammered out.  It's slow, methodical work, and jsut the thing for when you need a good, serious mental distraction, as I totally do.  Got some serious progress made.  Looking forward to getting it done and starting the revision process. Anyway, starting to make up my list of things I need to do, people I need to call, etc.  It's gonna be a grind.  I'm going to see about a half-day tomorrow to start whittling this list down. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 19th, 2009
10:21 pm	Without Kassie, Day one... Well, managed to get a few hours sleep, then off to getting everything taken care of.   Talked to mother, sister and father--the word had gotten around fast.  Didn't feel like cooking (go figure) so after al that headed across the lake to get a nosh which I ate nearly half of.  Not bad, under the circumstances.  Then back hoime.  I called the funeral place, got some quotes, talked to Kassie's mom, got our plan together, and relayed it to the funeral guys. Basically, we're going to have her cremated.  I signed the papers today.  Her mom and I are splitting the cost 50/50.  The plan is, I pick up the ashes this week, get a mini-urn with some of them for my own, then take the rest down to Huntsville (where most of the family lives) in Arkansas and have a nice family get-together.  She also said that, even without Kassie to link us, she wants us to still be in contact with each other.  She said it was what Kassie would have wanted, and indeed I think it would have been. I went down to the funeral home to sign the papers and so on, then headed down to Springfield.  The support group that Kassie & I used to moderate when we lived there were having their weekly meeting tonight, and I wanted to let them know  what had happened.  I had already gotten a reply or two on the previous blog entry, and while in the mall in town I ran into one of the other girls from the group. I went ahead and told her why I was there, and she hugged me and told me she'd be there that night. I spent the rest of the day pottering around, killing time.  Got my phone and insurance accounts changed to just me, picked up a few books, that sort of thing.  But the fact of Kassie's death is like a wall I kept running into all through the day. I'd be in the game store, see a racing game, remember how she likes driving games and wonder if I should pick up, then...oh yeah.  Or pass the place a bit south of Camdenton where the old cars are lined up for sale, waiting to be restored. She always wanted to do one of those with me.  I remember one time we were at a hot-rod event across the lake, and had been talking to a retiree couple about how they did up their Model T hot rod and stuff. I smiled at her and said, "We're going to wind up a car couple; I can just tell."  And I thought we would be, too. Anyway, got to the meeting. Between people reading my LJ post and the person I'd talked ot at the mall, the word had gotten around.  Pretty much everyone there who had known Kassie knew what had happened.  I told them the details, and someone brought in chocolates and things for us to therapize upon.  THey also brought in a big candle and at the end of the evening, had a little thing where they lit the candle and talked about what they remembered about her.  I was bawling all through that, I don't need to tell you.  I twas so unexpected and so sweet; Kassie was an amazing, giving person who loved nothing more than to reach out and help people.  To sit there and listen to how sh'd touched these people was so amazing; it was a perfect tribute to her. I'm home now...long week ahead, I think.  I've got the candle, and a card they all signed.  I was thinking of lighting the candle, but I don't think so; it's a keepsake, now.  A precious thing.  One year from now, I will light a yarzheit candle in her honor, but this candle I think should stay as it is, a reminder of the lives that Kassie touched. Anyway, back to work in the morning if at all possible.  I think it would do me good.  Besides, there's a lot going on right now, and I need to stay on top of it.  I just need to take care of business, and get ready for this upcoming weekend. Funny thing. FOr the last few weeks (if not months), I've had the Warren Zevon song "The Indifference of Heaven" on a seemingly endless loop in my head, particularly the the last verse: "I had a girl, but now she's gone/She left town/Town burned down/Nothing left, but the sound/of the front door closing forever..."  Over and over again.  As if I was preparing myself.  Anyway, it seems to have finally topped.  Funny thing, the mind.  I don't understand it, or much of anything right now.  It's time for bed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:56 am	Kassie Luck, RIP: 1970 - 2009 Kassie's gone. It happened a little after midnight  Since last night she'd been breathing badly very raspy almost like a purr but to me like a death rattle.  She just lay on her side of the bed all day didn't get up to go to the bathroom or anything.  Sometimes sleeping  sometimes awake, but just staring into the middle distance.  I kept asking her did she want anything to eat or drink?  Did she want me to bring her oxygen machine in?  Did we need to go to the hospital?  She always said no..or indicated no...I couldn't get a real answer out of her until this evening I got frustrated and pleaded her to say something ,anything..she cleaned the phlegm out of her throat and said she was all right and not to worry, but I did worry...I sat in the bedroom until midnight, watching movies and playing games, just keeping her company.  After midnight I moved into the other room cos I wanted to watch a DVD.  I settled in and started it, and a few minutes later I heard her calling, it sounded like.  I ran into the room, heard a thump on the way, and she was on the floor next to the bed on all fours, wetting herself.  She braced herself, and rolled onto her back.  I tried to help her up, but she wasn't doing anything....just panting with her tongue out and eyes bulgy...I tried to get her to say something, but she just wasn't responding  I called the ambulance. It didn't take them long to get here, but they did wind up going past me--I was in the driveway waving my arms around trying to get their attention, but apparently they missed me or I assumed they saw me and stopped too early.  They started CPR and all kinds of things tow ire her up.she wasn't breathing or had a pulse..  I knew that was wasn't breathing as I went back and forth between waiting for the ambulance and checking up on her, and one time she had stopped panting and her eyes looked all glazed.  I remember listening to her chest, thumping it, yelling trying to get any sort of reaction, but nothing.  Anyway, the ambulance people went to work and eventually got her a pulse.  They put her on a stretcher and took her back to the ambulance.  One of the paramedics is a friend of ours, who also owns some spas.  We had a deal with her where we would paint her spas, do maintenance work like that in return for getting our hair/nails/etc done.  She hadn't even known Kassie was sick, and was horrified by how much weight she had lost.  Anyway, in the meantime, i was calling my mom and Kassie's mom, keeping them informed.  Then I followed the ambulance to the hospital, making a detour to put 5 bucks in the gas tank. Anyway.  I got there and signed in, then they made me do all her paperwork and stuff.  Then I got taken to a consulting room and made to wait a few minutes.  I called mom and told her about that,and said I didn't think that could be good.  Sure enough, the doctor came in and said they'd managed to get her pulse going, but then it stopped again and they couldn't get it back going and she was gone.  They left me alone a few minutes (it was around 1:30 at this point) and I had my first initial cry and called the folks and let them know what was up.  Then they took me to see her. She was off in a little divided room, just lying there like she had been on the bedroom floor.  Vacant eyes, her mouth hanging open...I tried to close her mouth for her but it wouldn't go.  I talked to her--her body, anyway--for a little, then talked to the hospital people some more.  MO law says she has to be sent to a funeral home and dealt with from there, so I signed her over.  Her mom wasn't in condition to deal with it tonight, so she and I will talk again tomorrow at noon and decide what to do; I have a feeling it's going to be cremation.  Cheaper than having her embalmed and sent and stuff, esp. since I don't have much savings and she's unemployed and so on. Anyway, signed some paperwork, got some info and the phone number for the funeral place, and headed home  Al the way down our street i kept seeing deer. I remember Kassie would love the deer and call out to them, maybe even stop and try to get them to come to the car.  She loved animals and animals loved her.  I just went by them though, thinking "stay where you are kids, there's been enough death tonight already". So she's gone.  I've had a few minor crying jags, but nothing prolonged. It's weird, like I'm not letting myself deal with it all at once, just kind of adjusting to the reality in pieces.  I don't know if this is a coping mechanism or what.  The funny thing is, we were going to talk tomorrow about which path to take with her; I was going to suggest getting her onto the Hospice program, and starting to plan for her death and all of that stuff.  But no dice.  Didn't even get an idea of her after-death wishes.  It was March 17th when we got the diagnosis.  It's July 19th now.  It took her like that.  I'm sitting here replaying everything, regretting everything..I should have insisted on taking her to the hospital today, I should have known five months ago that her arm swelling up had nothing to do with sinus or food allergies, I should have kept on her to quit smoking.  I've got all this swimming around in my head, and feel horrible.  She and I were partners.  We had a rapport, like two halves of the same whole  She filled in what I lacked, and vice versa.  Now half of me is gone.  I thought that she was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Turns out I was the person she was going to spend the rest of her life with. We were going to do so much!  We were going to build a house together: she'd do the building ,I'd do the design.  She had a friend who owns a bed and breakfast in St Louis; I was hoping she'd last long enough so that at the end of summer we'd be able to take her up on her offer to put us up for free and marry us (she's licensed to do marriages and commitment ceremonies), and invite all our families so we could have a wonderful wedding and a weekend together.  I wanted to take her everywhere, to go to everyplace that allows same-sex marriage and get married there, accumulate them until they became legal through sheer mass :).  We were gonna grow old together, and tour the world.  She was going to be my future.  And now it's gone.  And I didn't even get to say goodbye to her; I'd envisioned it, you know: me holding her hand, smiling at her, helping her relax and drift into peace.  But no, I spend the whole day in the room with her, and then finally leave and not fifteen minutes later, thud.  It's not fair. It's so weird thinking about it.  I'm going to be alone again.  I don't know how to deal with that. The old place in Springfield was so quiet before I met her.  I remember getting Frotz just because of the sheer loneliness. Now I've got Gracie and Uzume as well, and I'll take care of them of course, but really Gracie was always Kassie's girl, so I guess I'll have to establish a rapport with her.  Fortunately , Uzume and I get along great. She guarded Kassie when I was at work, and would lay on the floor in front of the couch or beside the bed, depending where Kassie was.  I wonder if she yet understands that Kassie isn't' coming home.  She must have seen the body on the floor when the ambulance was coming.  She's beside me in the office now, flomped out, resting. Kassie was the most alive person I ever met.  She's been all over the place, built her first car from parts, would rig up cars for bootleggers and had all sorts of not-exactly-legal adventures in her wild youth.  She worked in construction and as a chef in a fancy restaurant.  She's had all sorts of wild experiences and wonderful stories, and it's not fair that her story should end here, in the middle of nowhere.  It's just wrong.  She was (to paraphrase Hunter Thompson) one of god's own prototypes, a high-powered mutant never intended for mass production.  Too weird to live, too rare to die. Kassidy Diane Luck Born: 22 May 1970 Died: 19 July 2009 "The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long. And you have burned so very, very brightly" PS: I can't help but sit here and thin about the Chinese food I had for lunch today.  Felt bad about going out without her but I've been doing that a little lately.  Now I guess I'll do it a lot.  Anyway, the fortunate cookie I got said "Your main concern this year is for your family" or suchlike.  I remember reading that and being bitterly amused.  "Yeah, tell me about it."  Not so funny now. Current Music: Warren Zevon, "The Indifference of Heaven" (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 5th, 2009
9:51 pm	A long weekend, but a short one. Got the day off Friday for the 4th (Saturday), but didn't really do anything.  Only main thing we did was go in on Saturday because Kassie's pain meds had run out and it was absolutely killing her.  The 4th was a busy day at the emergency room: lotsa people in swimsuits hobbling around or being stretchered in.  They took Kassie back then moved us to a bed and got her in a gown  Then they wound up taking her off for X-Rays.  I stayed behind in the room and called everyone, let them know what was going on.  I joked to Dad that we got diagnosed on St Patrick's Day, and now here we were spending the 4th of July in hospital again.  I hate to think what she has planned for Hannukeh--eight days! ;) Bit of disturbing news.  The attending physician made a reference to her bone scan, and seemed to indicate they'd found cancer in the bone marrow after all, despite us being told otherwise by two different doctors.  So now we're on pins and needles about that, too.  Between that and the PET scan, I'm just waiting for them to pull her in and give her the full details.  If we've been through all this to no avail I swear I'll scream. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009
5:46 pm	Kassie gets scanned Kassie went in to get her PET scan today.  This is where we find out what all the weeks of radiation and chemo have done to the tumor, if anything.  I even called mom before going to work and let her know to keep Kassie in mind; she said she would and that it usually takes a few days to get back the results and I was to go with her or find someone else to go with her because you don't want to face that alone, regardless of the result.  So I've got to find her someone. One bit of good news; they checked her bones last time she was in (because of all the pain she's been having) and said that she hasn't got any tumors in them, thank goodness.  Now we just have to wait and see what we hear back. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
7:41 pm	Springfield Pride 2009 We headed down to Springfield today for their annual Pride fest.  It used to be held in Phelps Grove park, but in 2006 they Pride committee dropped the ball, and didn't make any reservations or plans or anything; we wound up putting the whole thing together in eight weeks.  And it was my first advertising work ever.  We moved it to Commercial Street, where the GLBT center actually is anyway, and just had a "block party" there.  And it's been there ever since.  But I've never seen it like it was today.   For one thing, it was packed.  Tents everywhere, crowds of people all day long.  They said we had a good couple thousand at least, and that's not even counting the uninvited guests.  Ah, yes...the uninvited guests...   Fact is, we knew they were coming.  The holy roller faction had been making trouble in recent days, even protesting at one of the bars where the Pride pageant was supposed to've been held.  In point of fact it had been moved to another bar at the last minute (because of the rollers? I don't know), and so they spent the whole night picketing the wrong place!  Then in the morning, they were at the Pride festival, in their suits and 10 Commandments t-shirts and so on, trying to convince us that we were evil and wrong and all the usual things those people do.  And then the Bosh showed up.   Now, I've only seen nazis in Springfield once before: I was walking home one night, crossing the crosswalk before walking up to my apartment and just happened to look at the lone car stopped at the light.  Two of 'em, they were: khakis and armbands, the whole bit.  I nearly stumbled over myself, I was so surprised.  Well, these weren't the same folks--at least I don't think they were--it was about ten of them, all young, mostly skinheads and like that, waving swastika flags and holding up some signs that...well, you can probably guess about the signs.  They were across the street from us, and for the most part, they stayed there.  Except just once...   I had grabbed my camera and hustled over to our side of the street where various counter-protesters and the holy rollers were clustered (it seems that after the nazis showed up, the 'rollers stopped going after us and started going after them!  I guess even they have their limits), getting some nice shots with my zoom lens, when all of a sudden, they started heading for our side of the street.  At first the cops (I didn't mention the cops?  Oh yeah.  There were cops.) didn't stop them, but after they got right there and started shouting in our faces, and some of us (not me, too busy taking pictures thank you) were yelling back, and it looked like the thing was going to turn into a powder keg, the cops stepped in and neatly inserted themselves between us, and the nazis began to back off, shouting and seig-hieling all the way until they were back on their side of the road.   Compared to that, the rest of the day was almost quiet.  Kassie and I took a shift at the TG support booth, hanging out with our friends there, and gave some brochures away.  Caught up with a lot of friends from around town, made some new connections, generally had a good time.  The uninvited were new--I've been to years and years of pride festivals in Springfield and never seen the likes of this before--but we had a hell of a turnout, and all sorts of great stuff going on.  All in all, they did a bang-up job and I'm glad we went. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 8th, 2009
6:39 am	Another weekend Well, it's been an interesting weekend to say the least.  Friday night we were meant to go to the American Cancer Society's Relay  for life, an annual fundraising event in which (if you don't know) multiple teams spend an entire night taking sponsored laps around a t rack, individually or in groups, in order to raise money for cancer treatments and, eventually, a cure.  It's an interesting thing, including "illuminations" (decorated bags with lights inside to light the way) and a "survivors lap" right at the beginning.  I was really hoping to take Kassie along, and get her to do the survivor's lap, but unfortunately she wasn't feeling well and wasn't up to the trip.  I can't decide whether this was ironic or not. Saturday, things were a little more eventful.  For the past several weeks, the lake area has been littered with billboards advertising, of all things, a "Testicle Festival", in the nearby village of Olean.  Now, a testicle festival, if you haven't encountered such a beast before, is very interesting: way back in some unknown country--most likely the type of rural area where they tend to use every bit of the animal because they have to--somebody found out that if you took the testicles off of, e.g., a bull, pig, rooster, mouse, etc., and fried them up in batter, you got something that is not only palatable, but sometimes even fit for human consumption.  And so it was that we set out, map and GPS in hand, to go eat some balls. Now, the thing about Olean is, it's not a big place.  It's small. Very small.  The last census had it at 157 people.  It's little more than an exaggerated crossroads, a sort of L shape out in the middle of farmland, with a welding shop, a few antique stores, and several hundred motorcyclists, though I suspect they weren't usual.  They were everywhere, though: parked along the street, roaring up and down the main drag, at every corner, in every lot, even a strip of them going down the middle of the main street, a slow sloping hill that led to the solitary trailer where the star atraction of the day was being doled out for five bucks a pop.  Ball Mecca. We had a spot of trouble getting there, in fact: a small target is easy to overshoot.  And when one map doesn't tell you the details, your phone's GPS doesn't give turn-by-turn instructions, and your in-car GPS hasn't even heard of the place, it takes a bit of creative juggling.  It also doesn't help when the place is reached by heading off the paved road and riding down a winding dirt path past farms and creeks and so on until you finally, finally come upon a patch of paved roads and buildings with a name attached.  It's almost as if someone spilled some asphalt on their way somewhere and decided to put up a town around it.  I'll spare you the endless winding roads, the inevitable turnarounds, and just get to the point where we finally did get there. A Testicle Festival, once you pay the parking guy and the Jaycees people, and frantically make sure you've got enough money left to even bother, looks much like any other small-town celebration. There's the vendor tents all along the tiny park, selling jewelry and various crafts and so forth.  There's the camera crews down from the city to get a little nibble for the 5 o'clock news, the veterans in their t-shirts (this is the 16th annual event; I saw shirts for the third, the 10th, and more). And then , there was the line. Snaking all the way up the block to the top of the hill when we got there, and even further when we left, pilgrims come to feast.   We killed a little time looking at the vendors, checking out the bikes and so on, and finally took our place in line. It was a long day, and hot, so eventually Kassie had to drop out, and I took it solo. It was about an hour, all told, before I got to my turn (some say it was an hour and a half, or even two, but I fear they exaggerate); fortunately, I had a book with me, and was able to pass the time with that--until I finished it.  No truth to the rumor that I read the entire book while in line, by the way.  I don't know how these things get started.  Anyway.  By the time I got to the front of the line, tragedy had struck: they were out of hot sauce, and the ketchup was running dangerously low.  Now, if you've never eaten batter-dipped genitalia before, let me tell you, under circumstances such as this , condiments become all-important, like you can't even imagine.  But I picked up three sets, as per orders, and wound my way back up the hill til I found Kassie sitting in the shade and enjoying a porch swing.  I joined her, and we braced ourselves, and took a bite. So...what was it like?  Well, you know the texture liver has?  that sort of dryness?  Imagine that, but subtle.  I'm not a liver fan, but found these quite palatable, though I did go back for ketchup.  Kassie, on the other hand, took a few and decided that it was just not for her; we wound up selling our third basket to someone who didn't want to wait in line and, wrapping up the rest of hers for the doggie, headed for home. Sunday was a little quieter.  Kassie spent most of it resting up from the previous adventure, and I spent it tending my sunburns and catching up on my reading.  We did head down to Springfield, however, to meat up with our old support group.  Next week is Pride, and they were getting ready to have a booth this year;; I'm glad about this, as it's the first time since I left the group and moved up here that they have done so; it was always a goal of mine to have them participate in the LGBT community more, so this is very gratifying: apparently they have new brochures and everything.  We'll be down there too, of course--they even got us to do a shift on the booth, which I don't mind. The group is thriving, and that was good to see.  So next week I'll be able to tell you all about how Pride went down; I won't get into too much detail but from what was said at the meeting it may turn out to be a very interesting occasion indeed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 23rd, 2009
10:30 pm	Movie Night "So," Kassie came into my office, pulled up a chair. "What do you feel like doing tonight?" I didn't know. As far as I was concerned we weren't doing anything; I thought after her mini-adventure heading up for a birthday dinner last night, she'd want to rest. "Well, I was thinkin'," she smiled, "That we may want to go see a drive in movie?" Now, as long as she's known me, she's known I love drive-ins.  We don't get 'em around much anymore (in case you hadn't noticed) and so I had pretty much filed it off in the "one-of-these-days" category.  But she had found one about an hour and a half away, still open and showing a movie that night.  We made it a date. The Owen's drive-in is in Seymour, Missouri, a bit west of Springfield.  What you do is, you take the interstate to Marshfield, then you follow that road, then get onto another, smaller road, then onto another road still (taking care to watch out for Amish buggies), then onto one more road, and you're int Seymour. Just folow that road along past everything til you see the big white screen.  There it is. Owen's is a pretty sparese place: a little stone shack in the front for the tickets, a concrete one for the concessions and projection, and a big grass yard in between.  We had come early enough to get premium parking, and I scouted out the concession stand.  It was your typical fare: burgers, hot dogs, popcorn, nachos--piece of advice on the nachos, if you go there: they have regular and deluxe nachos.  Only order the deluxe if you are SURE.  Put it this way: they gost five bucks and are worth it. Interesting place, though...there was a sign hanging in the back saying they'd been in the entertainment biz since 1908, and you could tell just from the sheer accumulation of stuff.  It was cool, though; almost a mini-museum of leisure activities.  I was prarticularly surprised to see an original Pac-Man machine.  For those of you who don't know, most of them were brought back to Midway and gutted to make Ms Pac Man machines out of'em (ah, if only it were that easy....), so you don't get many of them around anymore, and the ones tat are around are generally quite valuable. I snapped a pic; will post it later. The people there were incredibly nice: while we had some light, I was trotting around, doing my photography thing, natch, and people asked us where we were from and what brought us down there.  I fell to chatting with a lady who'd brought a bunch of girls to the movie, and one girl in particular advised me that the cheeseburgers were "heavenly".  And they were quite good at that: cooked to order, and all the fixin's, as they say (has anyone ever seen an individual fixin?)  I had one, and Kassie had a look at it and went and had one of her own--I think this may be the first burger she's totally finished in quite a long time--even the Backyard Burger we got on the way home from the reunion last week didn't get entirely polished off, but this one did.  It was good to see.  Kassie starts chemo agian on Wednesday, but I don't know if/when they're going to start her up on the radiation again.  I'm hoping it won't be for a bit; she seems to be getting her appetite back, finally. As to the movie, well,what can I say?  Last week they'd shown the new X-Men movie, which we wanted to see, and next week they're showing Star Trek, which we have seen and want to see again.  So what were they showing this week?  "17 again", one of those adult-goes-back-to-being-a-kid-or-vice-versa type movies that absolutely littered the 80's.  It was the usual: middle class white guy regrets decision made in youth, magic janitor sends him back to that age....except that he doesn't actually travel back in time, nonono.  He's still in the present day, dealing with a divorce, going to school with his children, and crashing with his old school buddy who is theo nly one who knows his Terrible Secret(tm).  You can pretty much write th plot from there, if you've ever seen a sitcom in your whole life. Ugh.  I tell you what, though; between the "teenage" version of the character being hit on by his daughter, and hthe awkward tension with his wife, and one hting and antoehr...well, I'd just like to see a nice, Freudian analysis of this film.  Freud himself would have a fit. Anyway, on the way home we agreed that though the movie sucked, the experience was great, and we would totally have to go back to see Star Trek next week.  Also, there are apparantly a few other drive-ins around;  they're all a bit of a drive but that's all right.  We've got time. (postscript: tongiht I had a long , odd sort of dream, where she and I drove off backroads and into small towns with huge buildings that blended inside and outside, brightly colored and retro-styled...but I suppose when you read a book on 50's design and archetecture during the day and go to a drive-in at night, you have to expect that sort of thing.) (Comment on this)
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
9:00 pm	Birthday Today was Kassie's birthday.  We didn't celebrate much--at least, not until after I got home from work, anyway.  I managed to get her flowers into a vase and sign the card, but when I went to sneak them over to the couch, she was already awake. Oh well.  I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday.  She said that the night previous she'd had a dream about Dover sole, which had pretty much stayed with her all day.  Now, it just happens there's only one place on this side of the lake to get a good Dover sole, and it's run by some former coworkers & friends of hers.  So off we went. JJ's is an interesting place--on the other side of the lake, the two "fancy" eateries were always the Potted Steer and the Blue Heron, both owned by the same guy.  For about a season and a half, Kassie worked at the former as a garde mange--that is, in charge of the "cold pantry": salads, desserts, that sort of thing.  She did her work well, and impressed everyone there, but unfortunately it didn't last, owing to...well, let's just say the owner had a tendency to rub people th wrong way.  In fact, not long after Kassie was gone, the main chef at the Heron quit.  Add to that the Steer being closed so the highway department could knock it down, and there was suddenly a lot of first-class restaurant people floating free.  And so JJ's was born. So we got there fairly shortly--it's in Laurie, just up the road from where I work--and got ushered to a table.  Most of the waitstaff know her, and a good bunch of the kitchen crew.  I, er, let it leak out that it was her birthday, and our waitress (who we knew from the Steer days) treated her to some lobster-stuffed mushrooms to celebrate.  Anyway, she got her Dover Sole, while I opted for the batter-fried shrimp (very good; they do a double-wash: wet/dry/wet/dry, it gets very cripsy and tasty indeed; they also do onion rings the same way. You wouldn't think onion rings would be something you'd get in a class establishment like this, but they're incredibly good). Kassie actually did pretty good at eating. She had her salad.  And ate a ocuple of the mushrooms (I had another, and we saved the last for later), and got about halfway through the first piece of sole.  Of course, she had downed an entire bowl of soup earlier in the day, so she was just doing well all around.  Actually, I was quite proud of her.  And we got a nice doggie-box to take home. On the way out, they hugged her and told me to take care of her, keep her out of any trouble.  I joked that it was actually easier to do that now, but it was nice that they still rememebr and look out after her.  They're good poeple over there--they're what gave the old place class, not its menu or its wine list (and certainly not its decor--oy!).  We headed for home, and spent the night unwinding for a nice, long weekend. Happy Birthday, Kassie Many, many happy returns. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 16th, 2009
11:34 pm	Reunion Weekend A few days ago Kassie got in touch with one of her old school mates.  For years since we got together she's regailed me with tales of "The 12", a bunch of friends with whom she'd skip school, bum around, drink, smoke, and generally gdo all the things I personally never dreamed of doing for fear they would go on my Permanant Record.  Anyway, one of them had gone onto Facebook, rounded up as many of the 12 as he could, and wanted us all to come down to visit. Now, when I say "come down"  I mean down to Fort Smith, Arkansas.  It's a town o the western edge of Arkansas, about halfway down or so.  Call it a five hour drive.  Between the drive length, Kassie's condition, and the impending storm going through SW Missouri and Arkansas, it was an open question whether we'd make it or not.  But this morning I checked the weather report, and figured out if we got onto 44 til Joplin and dropped straight down to Fort Smith, we should get there bone dry, or at least avoid the worst bits ofthe storm.  So off we went. First stop: drop off the dog.  We dropped Uzume off with a friend who has a nice farm with lots of dogs.  Unfortunately, not all of them are particulary friendly with ours, so she doesn't like it too much.  We always makesure to pack extra doggie treats for her when we drop her off there, sweeten the deal a little bit.  Then down the road we went. Mostly the trip was all right.  Kassie was having trouble with her voice, which made the few times we had to use drive-through windows a bit trying (at one point we had the operator come out and talk to us face-to-face jsut because it was easier.  We had a rather unpleasant experience at that place; it used to be the last Popeye's Chicken in Springfield, MO, but was now a combination Chicago/generic cajun place.  I got a 3 piece chicken, thinking the recipe woudl at least be more or less the same, but ...well, put it this way: once you got past the lackluster crust that made it look and taste like grocery store chicken, the meat was distressingly pink.  Ugh.  Not even cooked properly.  A 20 minute detour for nothing. Anyway.  Across to Joplin and down into Arkansas.  Past neverending golf courses and rolling hills, just tons of scenery.  I snapped away as we drove, got lots of shots.  You like green?  Lots of green down here.  I'll say this much about the rain: it really has cranked the vegetation to 11 around these parts. We found the place in a nice little neighborhood.  The organizer was an IT nerd like me, who had just bought the place, and was very house proud, and deservedly so.  We sat around, joking about old times, as other people trickled in.  There was another IT guy, a girl who wasn't in IT but her husband was, a youth pastor, and a couple of brothers we had to go pick up in one of the sleazier bars I've ever set foot in: the kind of place that lends real meaning to the word "dive".  Well, some people move on, some don't.  All the way there, we were sharing stories back and forth--well, they were sharing, I was listening.  I must say, I rather envied them; they had a lot of stories, a lot of memories.  Looking back to myself those days, I don't have a lot I would care to recall. One interesting highlight of the night was one of the brothers, who had difficulty dealing withKassie's condition...he didn't even recognize her at first.  After he did, it seemd to shake him to the core.  He spent the rest of the night worrying it over, and even went offf with the pastor and thenKassie herself and talked it over.    I was a little worried about it to tell the truth, but all ended well, so that's all right. Menatime, I wound up making friends with the kids.  Every nwo and then I find myself around kids--hardly ever, actually--and have always thought of myself as being gruff and curmugeonly, in a W C Fields kind of way.  But when I'm around kids...I dunno, more often than not we jsut sort of click.  Before Iknew it, I was helpingtheir youngest build a house out of Duplo blocks, and then wound up getting treated to a complete tour through the son's rock collection.  Kassie's said she's seen me be good with kids before; I am slowly coming round to the possibility--horrifying as it may be--that I'm actually *good* with kids.  You think you know yourself... We did have one minor snag--and by snag I mean darn-near-heart-attack.  Got a call from the pet locator service we had Uzume chipped through: someone had reported finding her.  The hell!?  Then we got a voicemeail from the guy who found her...bleeding...oh, god... we played some very fast phone tag, and found out that Uzume and the dog at the friend's house that particularly didn't like her had gotten into it, prety hard.  Uzume had run away, and they had been running up and down the roads in a panic, tyringto find her.  We gave them the number of the guy who found her, and a little while later, go the all-clear that she was back in the farm.  Meantime, we pretty much decided that, as much as we liked oru friend, as as nice as she was and all, next time we left town overnight the dog was going in the kennel. Anyway, we're off in a hotel now, Kassie is resting up--I think she had a good night.  I jsut wish she could have eaten something: she jsut managed about 2 1/2 chicken mcnuggets through the entire day, plus some tea and water now and again.  That's kind of how it goes these days; she doesn't know til she tries to put something in her mouth whether it's going to go down or not.  She had her last radiation dose on Wednesday, and her last chemo for this batch last Wednesday, so she's got a week or two to kind of reset, physically.  We're hoping in the meantime she can get some solid food into her.  The night is windign down.  Tomorrow we go home and fetch the dog home.  I think we owe her some extra treats this time. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 11th, 2009
2:02 am	Good weekend, not so great finish Whoever did the old "Love is..." cartoons that used to appear in the newspaper did not, I think, do a very complete job.  Oh, certainly they captured the rosier aspects of the thing, but that's only half the story, and I think they did love a disservice in their incompleteness.  Where, for example, is the comic for "Love is... holding her hair back when she's throwing up into the toilet?"  or "Love is... running around in the middle of the night, arranging bail?"  Tonight I discovered another one: getting up at 1:30 in the morning to go buy laxatives. I had gone to bed around elevenish, at the end of a long but pretty good day. I got a new wifi card for my netbook, and managed to install both it and OSX onto the thing.  The install went well, and I was feeling rather pleased as I hit the sack.  Around about one in the morning, however, I awoke with a start; Kassie was calling my name.  Poor thing had been on the toilet for the better part of an hour.  Could I run out to Wal-Mart and get her some laxative? Now, I wasn't quite awake at this point; I thought it must be coming up on four or five in the morning.  I was expecting to run to the kitchen and get a drink of water or something but nope, she was serious, and so was the situation.  Hadn't we gotten some laxitive just the other day?  No, that was stool softener, not the same.  So off I go out into the night. If you think Camdenton is a quiet, sleepy town under normal circumstances, you should see it in the middle of the night.  Absolute stillness.  You've heard of cities that never sleep ?  This isn't one of them.  This is a city that likes to get its head down properly.  Actually, I kind of like driving through an empty town in the middle of the night; it's quite peaceful, and interesting to see the world shut down.  I think I'm really a night person at heart; I know that, given my druthers, I prefer the quiet all-night haul to the busy daytime shift.  Been like that ever since the military, where  as a consequence of being one of the few top-secret clearances in my area, I spent a *lot* of night shifts on duty.   I keep hoping one day I can get a nice night job, but there's not that many white collar jobs that offer that luxury. Anyway.  Off to the walmart I go.  I parked right close to the pharmacy door, and was quite pleased until I discovered that the door was locked for the night and I'd have to go over to the other one and kind of boomerang back into the pharmacy area.  Oh well.  Got the 'lax, got a cushion for Kassie (who was more or less camped out for the night at this point) and headed for home. Got home, brought in the shopping bag, emptied it, had a minor panic attack when the laxative wasn't there, went back to the car, found the laxitive, poured Kassie some tea to wash it down, stepped outside for a little air (and because the bathroom was occupied for the duration), decided to do a little night photography, back out to the car *again* to fetch the camera, back outside to shoot the moon and the nighttime woods, and off to bed. Anyway, as I write this, it's coming up on 2:30 and Kassie's...well, she's doing her best.  I should really go to sleep if I'm to be worth anything in the morning.  I'll check up on her later, though.  I'm hoping I'll at least have gotten some good photographs out of this, but we'll see.  Anyway, time for bed. --- Postscript, 2:40 A.M.  Mission Accomplished. I won't go into details but the words "Oak tree" were employed.  And so to bed. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
6:00 pm	The Survivors' Banquet   So.  Every year Relay for Life has a banquet, in wich all the local cancer survivors and their caregivers get to eat food donated by local restaurants, meet this year's Relay for Life officers, and hobnob a little.  Tonight was the night, and so after work off we went to the resort where it was being held. It took a while to find the place--not because we got lost (there were plenty of signs) but because the place was so damn big it was going to take a while regardless.  Eventually we found it next to the indoor water park (yes, really).  There was  good spread--steak nibbles, onion blossoms, barbecue, shell pasta with cheese, strawberry bread and different sorts of desserts.  Very nice.  We shared the table with a lady who had been a cancer survivor for over *thirty* years, which was amazing.  During the banquet, we had a speaker who had been surviving some very nasty cancer for several years now, and they gave each person a cute little pendant that came in two parts, rather like those "heart " pendants where each person wears half.  Then there was a drawing, and I won a t-shirt which I proudly wore the next day (casual Friday y'know).  It was pretty awesome, all told, and I'm very excited about going to the actual Relay, which is June 5. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
9:30 am	The Hammer Drops We got the word down today that the oncologist would be coming by.  Apparently he was the head of the department, a man who had been practicing since before some of the younger doctors had been alive.  Everyone seemed to feel that we were in very good hands as a result; I just wanted to hear something even vaguely akin to good news. It was about nine-thirty or so when he came in, flanked by doctors and students and so forth.  Introductions were made, and he went straight to business.  It was large-cell cancer of the lung, very nasty.  The tumor was big enough (softball size, he said) to be inoperable, so it was down to radiation and chemotherapy.  We would need an MRI and possibly a bone scan, IV chemo every three weeks on an outpatient basis.  After two, they would do another cat scan, and repeat the whole thing up to six times, in the meantime having radiation on a daily basis.  If this didn't work,  they would switch to something else. At this point ,they would need to put in a portacap or stent of some sort to get her chemo through, mostly likely a cap at the collarbone going into the superior vena cava (SVC) or a pic line running down her arm.They could make no guarantees as to the efficacy of the treatment; he said that we had a 30-40% chance of reducing the tumor in size by 50%, which apparently counts as a successful treatment. I dont' remember if it was now that we got the information that explained her swelling.  It was SVC Syndrome: the tumor was blocking the SVC and causing the blood circulation to traffic-jam rather badly.  Hence the swelling up of the face, chest and arms.  Probably was also responsible for the purple veins that had been worrying me.  In any case, things were pretty damn bad. After he left, I excused myself from the room, and stated making phone calls.  Going from a possible diagnosis with a 90% cure rate to less than 50/50 in one fell swoop takes its toll, and I was talking with mom about it, I began to break down.  One thing mother had told me right at the start was to always be upbeat and optimistic with Kassie, always keep her spirits up. And never, ever let her see you cry.  And I didn't, either.  It wasn't easy but I didn't.  There were times in the days to come when I would excuse myself to take a walk around, "Get some fresh air" or whatnot.  I don't think she saw me stuffing kleenix in my pocket on the way out.  But right there and then, I was in the hallway outside the room, just bawling uncontrollably.  The nurses on the ward kindly let me borrow their observation room and a box of kleenix, and let me know that they would look after us and that there were lots of supports and things and to be strong. I sat in there a little while, had a good cry and got it out of my system.  Then I cleaned up, went back to Kassie, and got back to taking care of her. Now that we had the diagnosis proper, Kassie was itching to go home.  We would have to wrap up all the paperwork (I'd started Friday with the financial aid people and the medicaid ombudsman and various other,s filling out what seemed to be a solid inch of paperwork all told--it had to be in excess of a hundred pages altogether, I do know that. And with Kassie on morphine most of the time, it fell to me to be the filler-inner) and get her prepped for chemo, and that would take a couple days.  During this time she got understandably impatient--and indeed, I was impatient to get back to work--and it was all I could do sometimes to calm her down and counsel patience.  In the meantime, we were calling around, letting everyone in on the news.  It would be two days before we got everything done and got out. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 15th, 2009
12:00 pm	Brief Trip Home Well, it had been since Tuesday that I'd been gone; Valerie had been going in daily to feed the critters & let the dog out, but there were things that needed taking care of, so we arranged for me to get shuttled down home and back by a Columbia friend of ours, Christianne.  She's a fellow computer and cartoon geek, so we had a lot to talk about on the way down and back.  Christianne is good people to say the least, it was nice to take a break of sorts and "Geek out" with her until we got to the house. Place was a mess.  The dog had gotten antsy, and made a bit of a mess--she's an Akita, one oft he smarter breeds, and they do tend to act out if they get bored, which can easily happen.  Still, they all seemed to be glad to see me, albeit temporarily. I ran around feeding everyone, cleaning up this and that as I went, hastily repacking my bags.  Christianne and I chatted about old comic strips and so forth, and I restocked the cabinet with dozen-or-so cans of dog food I'd picked up on the journey home.  We didn't stay too long, but headed up shortly afterwards (unfortuantely while there I'd accidentally turned the deadbolt on the back door, to which Valerie didn't have a key.  She had to have one of her kids crawl through the small firewood-hole in the garage to open the door the next day). In the meantime, we headed back up and I resumed my station at Kassie's side.  Had there been any news?  No, of course not.  We sat back and waited; there would be news in the morning, with any luck.  As it turned out, it wouldn't be til Tuesday that we'd get the final word. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 14th, 2009
5:00 pm	Awaiting sentencing ...well, that's what it felt like, anyway.  Apparently the oncology team didn't all come in on Saturday--fair enough--but we were supposed to be shoved in the front for at least a preliminary look-see this morning.  Hopefully they could figure out what she had in general, and get back to us.  Most of the day was spent sitting around and waiting for news...it came, eventually: they were going to have to come in Monday at give it a proper look.  Arrrrrgh. That was a very slow weekend. (Comment on this)